born into darkness.

piano playing while the black cat walks down the stairs onto the cold ground.

who owns you kitten? who gives you your food? where do you go at night to sleep?

hiding from the enemies, looking scared whilst they bark at you, you just want to be loved, to be held, to be stroked.

i’d hold you, i’d look after you, let you drink the milk i have in my fridge.

but i can’t get to you, my eyes see you but my arms can’t get to you.

so i think it’s time, i break the barrier and make your life a joy.

don’t runaway, wait for me.

the piano keeps on playing as the drums grow louder and louder.

your aimlessly looking around for love, for shelter, you come to a standstill, you grow tired and weary and lay on the floor, you close your eyes and sleep.

dreaming of some warm hands to feel the whiskers on your face.

it won’t be long kitten, it won’t be long.

my leg is bleeding, dripping with the emotions of my blood, dark red through the depression of life.

music buliding, music fading….my eyes fall down as i type, listeining to beautiful voices in my ears.

so i sip from my glass and red wine pours down my lungs and into my black liver.

the music bulids again, i feel enlightened but it quickly fades, i disappear into my black hole again, wondering when the light will shine again.

“take my hands”

i say aloud,

“take them and forever hold them, do not let them once go for i will just be dust in the air”

no one hears me, i slip into the delusion of my self pity once more.

the clouds tear apart as i gaze into the sky, the floor breaks in two as i look back down, satan’s hand rushes towards my head and smashes it against the nearest wall.

“abide by me, destroy yourself, kill yourself slowly, do as i say” he tells me.

the intimidation of this creature is unparalleled, what have i done to deserve this?!?!?!?…

i quiver, he snarls at me and then procceds to scream into my face with great anger.

to which i reply with grateful solitude ” i will do as you say, i will abide by you, i will destroy myself, i will kill myself slowly….”

the clouds come together and the ground rumbles back into place, i fall down to my knees and pretend i’m listeining to sweet violins play as i nurse my head injury back to health.

gentle, gentle, little violins playing with such grace and magnitude, so beautiful they make me cry, piecering with such delight.

i find myself, uncontrollable, i do not know what to do with myself, what’s the next step? where do i go from here? how do i go about everything?

everything i have ever wanted, has gone from me, i ruin everything, i’m a horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible,horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible human.

i deserve this, i have only realised, just now, satan has come to me for a reason.

i warrant this punishment, for myself and only myself.

i drink.

i smoke.

i murder.

i tortue.

i slowly die.

destroying the cells of my mind, carving through the knowledge of whats inside.

i fall down, laying on the ground, disappearing into another world.

eyes widen, head turns, flying snakes and deformed humans all around me, the sky is purple, the clouds are red.

i try to deny everything but i can’t help but realise that this is happening all before me.

facing a pitiless existence evolving into violence, being slaughtered, i run.

losing my wings to reality, torn off by the new world, torn off and shredded.

what do you want from me?

i try to think but my eyes won’t stop blinking, i can’t concentrate, i’m not adapting

how do i finish it, when i’m not really in the real world, tredding on the footsteps of unnatural delusion.

i want to stop breathing. 

dinosaurs appear in the streets of death

dinosaurs appear in the streets of death

dinosaurs appear in the streets of death.

dinosaurs, flying snakes and deformed humans, “i can make you believe in anything” they whisper to me.

faked wonder crosses my mind…it’s just one fucking illusion, just one illusion.

everything changing, what is going on, i calm down and try to think, is this an parallel universe? how did i get here?….

walking around in the dusty blue footpaths, everyone is eerily following me in slience.

losing my sanity.. fields burning, no rain to put it out, i slip into insanity.

“claudia! claudia! now, who are we going to get to finish your dress?

these impracticalities, cherie! remember, never in the home”

what came first, the music or the misery? people worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over.

nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, GIVE ME NO ANSWERS, THAT’S ALL THEY EVER GIVE ME, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS.

I AM FORCED TO FALL DOWN TO MY KNESS, BURNING CHEMICALS.

just try to see in the dark
just try to make it work
to feel the fear before you’re here
i make the shapes come much too close
i pull my eyes out
hold my breath
and wait until i shake…

long afloat on ship less oceans
i did all my best to smile
‘til your singing eyes and fingers
drew me loving to your isle
and you sang,

“sail to me, sail to me,
let me enfold you,
here I am, here i am
waiting to hold you”

did I dream you dreamed about me?
were you hare when I was fox?
now my foolish boat is leaning
broken lovelorn on your rocks
for you sing,

“touch me not, touch me not,
come back tomorrow: o my heart,
o my heart shies from the sorrow”

i am puzzled as the newborn child
i am troubled at the tide:
should I stand amid the breakers?
should I lie with death my bride?
hear me sing,

“swim to me, swim to me,
let me enfold you,
here I am, here I am,
waiting to hold you”